Personal

I am angry.

I am angry because I cannot be myself.

I am angry because I will be told that my anger is not becoming for a girl.

I am angry because I have allowed others to affect my life and bring me down.

I am angry because I feel disappointed in myself when really I should be disappointed in you and YOU should be disappointed in you.

I am angry because I spend every day frozen by fear, a fear that was not directly caused by any one thing or any one person, and yet it is all-consuming.

I am angry because there are those who will say “yeah so I told a woman I’d murder her children over her statement of a fact, but that woman wasn’t you, so you’re just being oversensitive and stupid, ignore that what I did was neither an isolated incident nor socially acceptable.”

I am angry because it doesn’t just stop at threats: people are murdered over these non-transgressions.

I am angry that so many people are dead simply for having been born in a certain place or of a certain color.

I am angry that we look for excuses when there is no excuse, that we allow ourselves to fall prey to the fallacy that logic can always be found.

I am angry because my own freedom of speech is trumped by somebody else’s, logic be damned.

I am angry because I fully believe in the mission of democratizing publishing and yet I have to accept that that means the software I make can be used by others to squash my own will to continue to participate freely on the internet.

I am angry because in a comments section powered by that very software I give so much of myself to build, I am greeted with racial epithets directed at me.

I am angry because my withdrawal will be seen as a “win”, and the ensuing losses ignored.

I am angry because I collect inappropriate fan mail under the guise of laughter, but in reality I am collecting evidence.

I am angry that so many people are jerks, posting somebody else’s personal information without permission, wishing that others would be raped or murdered.

I am angry that other people are being cruel by way of attempting to deflect from those jerks, because they are too scared or brainwashed to simply denounce them.

I am angry because I am giving jerks what they want, because I am not a jerk to my loved ones and I absolutely will not put them at risk.

I am angry, and I am silenced.

Aside
Personal

Memories of grade school and even college and grad school have nearly all slipped away. Almost wish I could have held on to the good ones a little better a little longer, but it was my own choice to move ceaselessly onward. Some days, though, you’re forced to stop and search for signs of those old memories. Friendships fell away and there will never be another chance to find all of them again, but there’s a fondness, somewhere, still recognizable in there. May the fondness remain, and the pain of youth lost fade.

To Patrick, Joey, Drew, and Sara: today I thought of you, and I will again tomorrow.

To old friends

Aside